His words that struck me were "That's disgusting". And I thought to myself, that only about 2-3 years ago, I'd have given the same reaction. But I don't now! "Why" is that - I asked myself?! My response to my why follows:
... until I actively became interested in WHY the Church teaches what she teaches. I used to question "Why is she being so ignorant of contraception? What is the big deal about cohabitation - everyone's doing it? If two people REALLY love each other, why shouldn't they get married?".
The answer to this is very wide in spectrum, but I will just summarise only 3 points of what I discovered here...
- Most people (even Catholics who go through a marriage prep course) DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT LOVE IS ALL ABOUT.
- Marriage is a SACRAMENT
- There is a CHASTE life to be lived in marriage between the couple.
Addressing point 1: Most people do not understand what love is all about
Love is not just some fuzzy feeling. Or words that you promise to someone. Love isn't self-seeking (but many of us seek pleasure for 'myself' in sexually active relationships). Love is a mutual self-giving... not just of your whole soul... but your whole body as well. Part of your body is the gift of your fertility. Love and Marriage are a) FREE = given without force. b) TOTAL = there is nothing of yourself that you hold back from the other (that is soul and body). c) FAITHFUL = a trusting exclusive committed relationship which INCLUDES God that is binding through the vows until death. d) FRUITFUL = all genuine love bears fruit. Another word for love is charity. Just as when you show charity (or love) to someone in need - their joy is a fruit of your charity. The nuptial union (i.e. sex) was Divinely Designed to bear fruit. There are only 5 possible fertile days in a woman's cycle... and couples are invited to know more about the woman's cycles if they wish to respect God's gift of their fertility but wait for the right time to have a child. Many of my Catholic couple friends I know use the Creighton Method to manage their family sizes naturally. This is NOT the same as contracepting. So as well as intimate bonding with your spouse, expect that one of the fruits of love-making is the love of a child!
Love is also willing the supreme and ultimate good of the others' soul. So, if my friend told me he intends to steal something, then in love, it is only right for me to inform him that his choice will have very negative consequences that cause others hurt, pain, unnecessary worry etc. In the end, I say it because I only will his good, rather than his bad. Same with love between a couple. God has entrusted a man's journey to heaven into the hands of his wife, and his wife is entrusted, by God, to reach heaven through her husband.
Addressing point 2: Marriage is a Sacrament
Marriage is not just some piece of paper that you sign as a binding agreement. It is a sacrament that is otherwise called the sacrament of matrimony. Marriage was always meant to be a sacrament. In other words, marriage, as all the other sacraments of the Church, communicate the spiritual reality of grace it signifies. Do you understand much about Baptism? It is a sacrament which places an indellible mark on one's soul, claiming him/her to Christ. In Baptism, you live a life of a Christian, IN Christ. First Holy Communion... again... a sacrament. Places an indellible mark on the human soul, to consume Christ and be one IN Christ. Same thing for the sacrament of Confirmation, except you receive the fullness of the Holy Spirit so that you may live more fully IN Christ. It is to deepen your relationship with Christ. So what's my point about marriage and this sacrament business? Hopefully you see the picture here, as marriage is one of seven sacraments in the Church... marriage is a union between two people, IN Christ. That's not what you see in the movies these days, or in society in fact. The Sacrament has been taken OUT of marriage in today's culture. People have taken CHRIST out of marriage both outside and within the Church... and it is this utter lack of understanding about the sacrament of marriage that makes the government's actions extremely erroneous. Who is someone to change the definition of MARRIAGE (aka matrimony)? A civil partnership is NOT the same as a marriage. P.S Matrimony means "motherhood".
Addressing point 3: Chastity for all
All people within the family of the Church are called to live chastely - that includes married couples. For this, you'd need to understand what chastity means. Chastity is the virtue that orients sexual desire toward the supreme value of the person and the truth of self-giving love. Just as the nuptial union is Divinely Designed to bear fruit, so are our bodies Divinely Designed to "feel" both physically and emotionally. In the act of sex, both physical and emotional passions rise to an indescribable ecstacy. Many people (even within the Church) don't realise that this ecstacy is a foretaste of the continual ecstacy of heaven (which is why I don't get how someone doesn't think heaven is someOne worth gaining!) St. Teresa of Avila was a primary saint who experienced this in her prayer. Was this ecstacy oriented in the right way? Yes! Yet, she lived a chaste life. Within marriage, sex isn't something you just have when you're feeling aroused - although your body is giving you a big indicator that you could share it with your spouse. But what happens if spouse is at that time of the month? For her own good, hubby needs to make the ultimate sacrifice... and put it away! Also, if you wish to manage numbers of children without disrespecting your fertility, then chastity is the best way of looking at doing what is best for the other. Chastity isn't about don't's and 'rules', but about freedom from lust - which very easily enslaves many of us - as lust only transforms our intention to love, into intention to self-satisfy.
Where does that leave people who have same-sex attraction and want to get married?
Just like all my single "straight" friends, my gay friends are also in need of support and genuine love from the Church. We all (and that includes myself as a single person) need to build friendships and relationships that can help us to live chaste, and we need to be able to support each other and find avenues where we are able to express the gifts of our bodies for the good of the whole Church. At the moment, you can find lots of groups that help with people's differing needs, but very few can be found to support the need for love of our gay brothers and sisters. How do we go about helping them to feel loved by God? How do we help and support dating couples remain within the chaste love of God and His commandments during their dating time together? How do we help ourselves and our gay friends live by the commandments and the Church's teachings? Would support groups satisfy their need? I've had conversations with some of my gay friends about this, because it is important for us to remain united for love of each other, and we really need to support one another. What's a good way forward with this here in London for gay Catholics, is now my biggest question on this topic?If anyone has constructive comments, please feel free to share.
I'm not interested in those comments that attest to me being homophobic, because I know I'm not... so don't bother if you are thinking to comment down that route.
In abandonment to Our Lord Jesus Christ, and Our loving Mother, Mary.
1 comment:
Thanks. But I find that talking to my friends, more secular arguments are actually effective. I find it helps to get people thinking about marriage as a distinct and unique vocation. It is linked to cohabitation as redefining marriage seems to just say you can call any kind of mutual relationship with your flatmates - male, female - as marriage, should you so desire.
As for Catholics themselves, as well as cohabitation, I think young Catholics need to think about not living in mixed flats if they go to university, if "marriage" is going to be so flattened as to signify any kind of friendship or same-sex relationship.
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