MY GOD, this weekend, You revealed much to me about myself - things I so needed to discover, so that I may open myself more to Your will here on earth, and come closer to knowing the way you choose for me. I will never understand why You grace me so abundantly like this - tasting the fruits of Heaven, and aching for the consolation only You can fill in my earthly solitude. How can I ever give You the thanks You so deserve, in loving this unworthy wretched and sinful soul of mine? I love so dearly, that You know me better than I know myself - You know what I need, You know just the right way to communicate with me, You know how I can best serve you. Every moment of this weekend just gone, I offer to You... Father, Son and Holy Spirit - for You do not abandon me in my period of searching and discerning. Walk with me, Lord. Send Your Holy Spirit to guide us as I discern my vocation, and discover which way - single life, marriage or sisterhood would make You happiest.
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FRIDAY ________________________________
On
Friday evening, I spent time with the Youth Club at our Parish. This is always a wonderful time for me - an opportunity to try to bring out the best in these youngsters, and help them to understand God's ways through the teachings of the Catholic Church (if and when they come to me for advice). When I was in my teenage years, I had no young moral guide to look up to, no one to help me become my own judge and lead me on the right paths that were both good, and also socially acceptable. I honestly believe that the more teenagers are exposed to God in their lives, the better informed they will be when making important lifestyle choices. It is down to the people involved in their lives to give them that exposure to the ways of our Lord Jesus Christ.
This evening, we had a bit of an arts/crafts session, where we made a collage of the images printed of the feast of Christ the King, to put on display at the back of the Church as a thank-you to all our parishioners who were so generous with providing the drinks, snacks and breakfast served at the event. Three sweet teenagers that helped were giving something back to the community, without perhaps realising it, but will clock on in the future, I'm sure. On the same evening, a teenager approached me for relationship advice, where they didn't feel comfortable to approach anybody else. What a blessing that God would bring this young person before me that I can help!
My God, thank you for the gift of the youth in my community. Through this gift, You have helped me to recognise that Your Church on earth is full of hope and promise, and that I am being called to help nurture this through inspiring the young carriers of our faith to know Your love. I pray that I may always be a good example of Christ's ways, in order for others to follow that brightest light ever known to man: Your Truth.
That night, I made my way to SPES for all night adoration. I arrived quite late - about 00:30, hoping to stay for at least 1 hour so that I may complete my First Friday Devotions. Alas, I could only manage 30 minutes because I had a massive headache - probably because I was just so bunged up with cold. I felt that I couldn't worship my Lord properly... and it was a smack-in-the-face reminder that I am human, and am limited by the well-being of my own body to praise my God.
My God, thank you for the gift of helping me to recognise and accept my human nature. What good am I to you, if I push my body so much that my mind can no longer form a coherent sentence to praise You with, when I could spend that time recovering? I know that I have my limits, but still I choose to ignore it. My body is Yours - it belongs to You, and I should try harder to care for it correctly and treasure the life You have so graciously given me. Stay with me so that my body can be used always to do Your will, and not cause unnecessary suffering by overworking my physical self.
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SATURDAY ______________________________
The next day,
Saturday, I'd intended to spend the whole day with Mary at
A Day with Mary in Acton... except I needed to rest in order to recover for the activities of this day. I arrived during their lunch time, so the Church had around 25 people in it, going round visiting all the statues, and THERE SHE WAS. The most important woman in my life... the Blessed Virgin Mary. At the front of the Church, was a beautifully lit statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary. She was so beautiful, and my heart was overjoyed to see her again. After dropping my bag and hoodie off at a pew to save a seat for myself, I went around the Church of Our Lady of Lourdes praying to all the Saints, and the holy men and women that I encountered an image of. I did what I always do, honour them through their image, and touch or kiss the image that reminds me of their deep love for God, and the good witness they were on earth. I once had to bring to confession that I was terribly jealous of the Saints. How could I have felt that way?!?! I think to myself now, how much I love them all the more for their deep devotion and faithfulness in living the way Christ inspired us to live, and for following him, no matter the cost. I had a major moment of madness/anguish when I was just going to get back to my seat. I had touched all the statues, and was feeling content, but knew there was one left I wanted to touch... the statue of Our Lady.
When I went to touch it, about 4 women behind me screamed at me not to touch her - they were almost aggressive in their intervention. I'd never been to one of these before, so I didn't know that we weren't supposed to touch her. I did turn around and put my hands up almost in defence and said 'ok, ok'. But it somehow unnerved me that I couldn't reach out to her, and the ladies' behaviour was a bit of a shock. What was even more shocking, was what happened afterwards. I tried to return to my seat, but an older lady had almost piled all her stuff over my bag and hoodie, saying that she was sitting here. I asked her if the space along the rest of the bench (3 rows from the front) was free, and she said no. So for some silly reason that I don't understand, I started getting upset - because I felt like I was being pulled away from my Blessed Mother, and I knew that exposition was about to start - so I would have been (in a sense) physically pulled further away from her Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. So I moved two rows back, and again, I received an almost hostile refusal to sit in these practically empty benches. I became so unbelievably upset, that I burst into tears, and moved to the back of the Church - where I had a feeling the lady sitting there was also going to tell me to move, but probably didn't because she could see I was terribly upset. I ask myself, even now, why am I being such a cry-baby? What was going on with me, that I would weep with such grief unknown? The lady prevented anybody from sitting down on the rest of the bench saying the seats were reserved, yet these seats remained empty for the next 2 hours (up until 16:30). I know that what started me off, was almost this self-imposed idea that people were separating me from Jesus, even if they didn't mean to, and that if it were Jesus sitting on the bench, no way would he have refused someone to sit beside Him. But this, being such a petty thing, I still do not understand why I didn't stop crying after 5, 10 minutes. No... I wept and felt my heart-breaking for nearly an hour!!! What was I crying for? I have no idea, except that God was central to the reason I cried... and realised then and there, that I do not know myself. For if I knew myself, I would know why I anguished and griefed the way I did. My praise and adoration that afternoon, felt almost painful, for some reason... and something inside me was hurting - but I didn't know what, and still don't know what. It just shows how much I was not myself, because I don't fully know myself. And I am alone and in-between in finding my true home in God. With Him, I could share my anguish. The only time I felt anguish before, was at Walsingham in the summer - because I felt the power of Christ's healing mercy as I brought before Him all the wrongs that I'd committed and caused others to commit, whilst He died on that cross for me. He showed me the hope of salvation, and it changed my life forever. This time, my anguish is part of a longer journey...
My God, this pain I felt was a blessing. With it, You gifted me with the ability to acknowledge my loneliness, my solitude. No one can ever fill my solitude, until You fill it in me, if You allow me to knock at the gates of Heaven, and allow me into Your Kingdom when I have left this earth. Through this gift of anguish, You have settled a wave of torment not in my conscious, and graced me with Your peace. This is our earthly pilgrimage - to accept pain, and suffering... so that I may strive all the more for Your eternal Peace and Love, in Your Kingdom called Heaven. Thank You, my Heavenly Father.
That evening, I hit Balham, and enjoyed the Emmanuel Community. I'd already prayed half the prayers necessary for my First Saturday Devotions - including the Rosary. Now it was time to experience some praise and worship with a group of young international Catholics whose life is, at the moment, Youth Ministry. Something I feel so drawn to myself. Only a few hours ago, a Seminarian friend of mine said that I didn't look myself on Saturday at Nightfever. And in a way it is true - I'd had a very emotional day, my spirit wasn't completely in the praise and worship, I knew I had to make a confession (that's always a scary thing for me!)... I guess I wasn't in the right frame of mind. Despite it being a beautiful day full of adoration and Christ's presence in the Blessed Sacrament, something wasn't quite right with me. All I knew was that the Lord was, and is, and is to come. This evening I also heard a wonderful speaker, who had also found the Love of our great God - Monsignor John Armitage. I wish I had filmed his talk - it was truly inspirational, and I felt that his love for God was very real and practical for him. It gave me much joy to hear his words. I was also affected by the testimony of one of the Emmanuel Community musicians - whose eyes and heart were opened by God's Love and fulfillment. It reminded me of my transformation in faith, and how my view of the world has completely changed since my encounter with God - the best thing that would ever happen to me in my life on earth.
My God, through this evening, You shared the life and love of Your faithful with me - and together, our fellowship and prayer brought us in communion with each other and all the holy angels and saints, to bow down in adoration before You. Although people might think I would find it difficult to learn something about myself from this evening, we could probably disagree with them... for You taught me that me experience with You in the summer, will always boost me when I feel down. I need not look further than Your Holy Word to find You there, or to read the words of others who now bask in Your glorious Kingdom!
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SUNDAY _______________________________
Sunday was a truly blessed day for me! For the second time in my life, I attended a Tridentine Mass. It was such a joy to be present at - and I truly felt the respect that all the people present had for God. The solemnity of it all really brought home to me, all the glory and honour that millions before me proclaimed for our most awesome Lord God.
My God, through this wonderful and blessed experience of the Tridentine Mass, You cautioned me to revere You always with sanctity and unattainable mystery. Yes, You are always close to me, yet, I know I must always respect You with the utmost reverence, because You are so infinitely above me. Your extraordinary power is magnified in this most Holy Sacrifice of the Tridentine Mass, and I must accept that You are most High, even if You are also so close.
In the afternoon, I went to meet and pray with the Carmelite Missionary Sisters. At the vocations expo I went to towards the end of October, I met a wonderful sister, who said something very special to me, that made me consider if she would become my Spiritual Director. I wanted to explore this further, but Christ the King preparations made that a little tricky. Based at Grosvenor Place, this community reminded me of Vespers that I experienced for the first time whilst on my pilgrimage, staying at the convents with the Nuns. The Carmelite Missionary Sisters (as I guess with all communities or congregations) have daily, that peace and prayer I have been so desperate to experience on a more regular basis. Where the day before at 'A Day with Mary' I was so far from my Lord Jesus Christ physically, here in this small chapel at Grosvenor Place, I knelt in adoration right before my Lord - and I loved every moment of it. After a sharing time over tea and biscuits, which was wonderful - as I got to explain to them the mini-miracle I experienced through the intercession of our Blessed Virgin Mary, Sister Paloma and I sat to discuss my desire to grow in my Spiritual life. It was strange... as the whole weekend was beginning to take shape into one big message for me. Sister Paloma prepared me some work to do at home - and the work is all about discovering myself. How great is our God, that He would grace me with this vital message, when I needed to hear it most! And I doubt not, that Sister Paloma can help me to achieve what it was she said I have the capacity to achieve, when I first met her!
My God, through this experience of adoration with the Sisters, you proved to me that if someone wants You enough, there will be a way for them to find You. You will present Yourself in Your own good time, in the way they need to experience You most. I thank You most graciously, for gracing me with a wonderful Spiritual Director, who can help me grow in my Spiritual Life, and my love for You. I know my prayer life is weak, and I can do so much more to pray for the reparation of others' sins, as well as my own - and You showed me that my walk need not be completely alone. I seek to deepen my intimacy and communication with You, and You have helped me to begin this wonderful journey through gifting me with my new Spiritual Director.
After my meeting with Sister Paloma, I headed to First Sunday at Farm Street, to meet some new people, and to generally meet a new crowd of young London Catholics - and it seems as though there's many that I have not yet met! There wasn't anything particularly special about this meeting - but something so totally extraordinary happened to me en route home.
On the tube home I sat on a seat that was very close to my favourite seat (the penultimate seat of the first carriage) Getting on at Green Park, I didn't notice the young lady at the end seat at first, but she came to my attention when she half shouted that she was trying to sober-up. It looked as though she was going to be sick on the floor. Anyway, she leaned her head on the glass, and something was calling to me, to show my Christian love to her. So for the first time ever, I found from within, an ounce of courage, approached the complete stranger with intent of offering her comfort and looking after her. Our encounter could not have turned out any better than it did. I asked the lady sitting next to her for some tissue, and I went to kneel before the girl (yes, I was prepared to squat/kneel over the puke if I had to... but alas, there was none there... just spittle). I offered her the tissue, and knew it was a good idea, as I could see a few drops of mascara drenched tears running down her face. I asked her to take the tissue. She just blankly stared at me and closed her eyes again, leaning her head against the glass. I repeated myself as an order this time round, and said 'take this tissue because you're crying, and you might get mascara over your lovely coat. Everything is going to be alright'. This must have grabbed her, for she looked at me properly this time, and said 'I'm so sorry', and she burst into tears. I took one of the tissues, and started drying her tears, although I wasn't doing a good job of trying to prevent the mascara rubbing all over her cheeks. I smiled at her and said that everything is going to be alright, and that she should let her tears out. When she said again, and she kept repeating this throughout the train journey, she said 'I'm sorry I'm being so embarrassing'. I simply told her, 'Hey, don't worry, yesterday I wept like a big fat baby, but I was kind of lucky because I did it in a Church'. I then asked her a little bit about herself - her age, which stop she needed to get off at, as I didn't want her to miss her stop. When she told me that she studies fashion design at Richmond College, I saw the true potential in her. One doesn't study something they don't have a talent in, so she is obviously talented artistically. Throughout the journey, she was revealing little things to me, but didn't understand why she was revealing them... and this was all happening in between all the waterworks. Of which I was reassuring her that I was catching her tears before the fell onto her gorgeous jacket saying 'I know it costs a bomb to dry clean a number like this!', which made her laugh, and cry even more. I remember that at Hammersmith, she admitted to me that her Dad is an alcoholic, but she couldn't continue that conversation as she burst into tears once again. She also said that she wasn't a good person. I was really feeling for her, and kept on repeating that everything will be alright. By this point, she had already repeatedly said to me 'You're so nice... thank you so much, I'm so sorry etc', and her body language was now very receptive to my comforting, as she had turned her body toward me as far as she could. Then she said something, that gave me the opportunity to express my faith, and my deep love for God. She said 'If I believed in God, you would go straight to Heaven! But I don't believe in God because my Mum didn't bring me up to believe in anything'. And my response to this was 'well, maybe this is God's way of coming into your life, and maybe He's trying to tell you something.' We were close to approaching Acton Town station now, and I told her just a couple of stops left - which broke the God talk. But when I offered to walk her home from the station, she promised me that she would be ok as she lives only 2 minutes away from the station. So I trusted her promise on this, and decided to drop the subject of 'mothering' her all the way home. At this, she once again repeated that I'm so nice and that if she believed in God, I would go straight to Heaven. I told her, 'let's just hope that one day, I do! I totally love my faith, and God.' Then she asked me 'Do you believe in God?!' and I showed her my rosary bracelet which has a beautiful cross of Jesus and the Father dangling from the Our Father bead, and replied 'Yes I do, very much!' And she said 'Ohhhhh... you are SO going to Heaven!!! If I wasn't so drunk, I'd add you on facebook!' Which cracked me up. By this time, she was sobering up quite a bit, but still wobbly on the legs when she stood up. But all throughout the journey, whenever she said 'you're so nice', I just said back to her, we should all be like this to each other... that's the way we are meant to be towards one another.
One thing I truly noticed about myself, was that it wasn't the 'you're going to Heaven' bit that hungered me most. It was the 'If I believed in God' bit that hungered me most - because I saw it as my opportunity to express my faith, and help her to acknowledge God's love through my comfort and compassion. I feel I am being called not to pray for myself to enter into Heaven, but to help people find God's love. I did not give her my personal card - as it has my blog page on there - which is so filled with religious related articles... but giving her that would have just scared her off. I offered my encounter with this girl to the Lord, so that through this taste of the love Christ has asked us to share for one another, she may seek Him, and come to know His Love even more. I will continue to pray for her, and ask any readers to pray for her conversion also. It felt so natural for me to care for this young lady in this way, and it brought to light a discovery about myself from the past, that I had not acknowledged in a long time... which is that I am a 'giver'. I wasn't, and have never been, so acutely aware of the way God had intended me to become, even when I discovered that I am a giver (more info on my personality type
here). And so to discover this about myself in practice, was an extremely fulfilling moment for me - and for once, I truly understood what it meant to be 'a giver', otherwise known as an ENFJ.
My God, through the gift of this girl, a child You have made in Your likeness and image,You have shown me more about my whole self than I had come to contemplate in the past. You have exposed within myself, ways I can help to sow the seeds of Your Truth and Love in the consciences of others, but at the same time give them the freedom to seek You further, and offering it up to You. Although You have presented to me many gifts this weekend gone, I shall treasure this one the most, because it wasn't just a deeper discovery about myself, but also the potential of using the gifts and qualities You graced me with, to do good in the glory if Your name. I ask all the holy angels and saints, all the holy men and women, to pray for me in this journey of 'giving', and ask most of all for all to pray for this young lady, that she may one day, open her heart in search of You, and experience the light of Your Love, and explore it further. I pray and trust so much, that in Your good time, it will happen.
My God, this whole weekend, was Your sign to me, that my path to doing Your will, is best done upon discovery of myself. For to know myself is to know You. And I can never repay You for this valuable lesson... this new pilgrimage You have set for me, of self-discovery.
